Sunday, October 17, 2010

something about making decisions..

When I was a child, I'd thought that when I became a grown-up, things would be so much easier because I would be the one who got to make the decisions and control the outcome.

Now that I am considered to be at a grown-up age, I remember the time when things were so simple; times when my parents made decisions for me, and although I didn't always agree with them, I somehow knew that in the end it was for the best, and I would be taken care of.  I miss those times.

I am at yet another crossroad, where people are making their leave of playing their part in my life, and new people are making their way in, or thinking about it (more on this later).  The never-ending questions, "What do I want to make of my life?", "Where shall I live, and with whom?", and "What am I going to do?  What are my options?" crowd my mind and hang around me almost physically like a lingering fog.

In the end, however, it's not that I don't know the answers; there are just too many options, and I don't like any one of them enough more than another, hence making it difficult to decide on just one.  I want to go to law school, nursing school, art school; I want to not go back to school and instead open up my own event planning or marketing or design company; I want to find a nicely paying corporate position and climb that ladder like there is no tomorrow; I want to move back up north where my mother will feed me and love me and make me never want to leave home again; I want to return to Tennessee and be with my soul mates; I want to stay in L.A. and become a stronger person, a more cultured person, a more achieved person, a smarter, far wittier person.  How can I do all of things without making sacrifices I don't want to make?

So maybe this post isn't about making decisions; maybe it's about making sacrifices, how to pick the least of the sacrifices to be made, and then another and another until there's only one thing left on my list, one left to become my ultimate decision.  I wonder why this thought has never occurred to me before..