Thursday, November 27, 2008

something about love

For those of you who have yet to watch Fiddler on the Roof, it's a must see. Make it your next movie night film.

While watching it again for about the fifth time, I thought to myself, I want to fall in love.

Yes, in love. Not your ordinary I have a crush on a boy, or I think he's cute kind of way, but more like, I must absolutely be with this person kind of love. I have yet to feel this way, although I may have had plenty of opportunities. Is there something wrong with me, did I miss something along the way, or have I just not found the right man yet?
Whatever the answer is, I'm young, ambitious and going places, and one of these places will be a place where love resides. Whatever it is, I want it.

I'll let you know when I find it.

Monday, November 3, 2008

something to ponder.

Sometimes I really have to wonder if there is anything better out there for me. People are always telling me my big break will come, that someone will discover my talents somehow and will want me, but whether or not they really believe that, I can't bring myself to be quite as optimistic all the time. I keep going through these stages of extreme depression and others of euphoria, and I'm not quite sure how to find a happy medium.

I hate my job, being micromanaged, micromanaging, and feeling like I'm being imprisoned in some dark cave I can't find my way out of. Other times I am content in thinking that at least I have a job, no matter how much I hate it. In reality, I'm scared to explore my possibilities since so many opportunities have come and gone in the form of rejection. I am always too young, too inexperienced, too female, too much of all the wrong things but never enough of the things "they" are looking for.

So what is a college graduate with a degree and no experience to do when no one is willing to help her get experience? How much am I allowed to push before it's too much? Do I go back to school and pursue a masters degree? Do I take on an unpaid internship and slave for them until I get offered a permanent position? What do I do to pay my bills until then? It's a vicious, unending cycle.

I'm approaching my one year anniversary as a college graduate, and sad to say, I may have given up on hope. So soon, you say? A year is a long time if filled with rejections. Perhaps I'm looking for an easy way out, someone to magically discover me and whisk me away to my dream job, which will most likely never happen at this point. Even applying to grad school is hard because I'm afraid of getting a rejection letter, telling me I'm not good enough for that either.

But I refuse to stay trapped in this state of mind, so here is my public announcement to the world (or rather whoever may come across this blog) that within the next month, I will have something else going for my life. I refuse to rot away in a company with no future; I'm too good for that.