Sunday, December 7, 2008

otra vez

Just kidding.
Life goes on, we make mistakes, we correct them.

The thing about second chances is, they give you an opportunity to do everything over again, but better, and in some cases, you even get a complete do-over. Awesome.

And then if the second chance doesn't work out, then you know you've done everything you could have, so you can't possibly have any regrets. Ideally, that is.

You get to do all the things you planned, and you get another chance to cherish each moment, to store them in your memory. It reminds you how important everything is, and you don't have to regret the moments you might have missed.

That's all pretty cool if you ask me.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

things i regret.

seems as though even if there was never any falling in love, heartbreak is still possible.

things planned but never executed (due to lack of timing):

. watching serendipity during christmas season
. something about a circus without clowns
. christmas
. new years's celebration
. new york
. snowboarding
. vegas
. china
. france

there were more, but i can't seem to remember.
along with other crucial things, like the last time holding hands, the last kiss, the last really sincere hug.

i guess i never thought i needed to remember when all the lasts were, not this soon anyway.


Thursday, November 27, 2008

something about love

For those of you who have yet to watch Fiddler on the Roof, it's a must see. Make it your next movie night film.

While watching it again for about the fifth time, I thought to myself, I want to fall in love.

Yes, in love. Not your ordinary I have a crush on a boy, or I think he's cute kind of way, but more like, I must absolutely be with this person kind of love. I have yet to feel this way, although I may have had plenty of opportunities. Is there something wrong with me, did I miss something along the way, or have I just not found the right man yet?
Whatever the answer is, I'm young, ambitious and going places, and one of these places will be a place where love resides. Whatever it is, I want it.

I'll let you know when I find it.

Monday, November 3, 2008

something to ponder.

Sometimes I really have to wonder if there is anything better out there for me. People are always telling me my big break will come, that someone will discover my talents somehow and will want me, but whether or not they really believe that, I can't bring myself to be quite as optimistic all the time. I keep going through these stages of extreme depression and others of euphoria, and I'm not quite sure how to find a happy medium.

I hate my job, being micromanaged, micromanaging, and feeling like I'm being imprisoned in some dark cave I can't find my way out of. Other times I am content in thinking that at least I have a job, no matter how much I hate it. In reality, I'm scared to explore my possibilities since so many opportunities have come and gone in the form of rejection. I am always too young, too inexperienced, too female, too much of all the wrong things but never enough of the things "they" are looking for.

So what is a college graduate with a degree and no experience to do when no one is willing to help her get experience? How much am I allowed to push before it's too much? Do I go back to school and pursue a masters degree? Do I take on an unpaid internship and slave for them until I get offered a permanent position? What do I do to pay my bills until then? It's a vicious, unending cycle.

I'm approaching my one year anniversary as a college graduate, and sad to say, I may have given up on hope. So soon, you say? A year is a long time if filled with rejections. Perhaps I'm looking for an easy way out, someone to magically discover me and whisk me away to my dream job, which will most likely never happen at this point. Even applying to grad school is hard because I'm afraid of getting a rejection letter, telling me I'm not good enough for that either.

But I refuse to stay trapped in this state of mind, so here is my public announcement to the world (or rather whoever may come across this blog) that within the next month, I will have something else going for my life. I refuse to rot away in a company with no future; I'm too good for that.


Monday, October 20, 2008

closets, gummy bears and corporate ladders.

Closets: I have one.  A much too small one, but I definitely do not live in one.

Gummy bears: Addicted.  I like them stale; the older, the better.

Corporate ladders: I Googled it, and the first thing I saw was someone named Steve Tobak's comment on how much climbing one sucks.  According to Tobak, people climb because we are programmed to do it.  I don't like thinking I can be programmed like a robot, but I read it anyway.  My first impression was proven to be wrong- the point of the article was to stop and smell the roses (however literally you want to take it) and stop just doing something because that's all you know.  
I want to climb corporate ladders and have power and have people grovel at my feet (okay, maybe not exactly grovel), and most of all I want to know that I am doing something to make some kind of difference.  But first, I want to climb because I need to feel a sense of security, which I stopped having after the age of 5.  I need to know that in case of an emergency, whether it entails an accident or a need to take a vacation, that I have the means to take care of it.  But where do I start?  I would say get an internship with a dreamy company, but considering I have no money and most competitive internships are unpaid, I'm still stuck at question one.  I'm open to suggestions.

So what do these three have to do with each other?  Are we required to live in closets and live off of gummy bears in order to make it in this world?  The answer is probably no, but when paired with a friend who is looking for similar things in life, this could be a time of much amusement.  Living in cramped quarters with too much stuff and not enough oxygen to share with someone invading every inch of your space and starving might not actually be as glamorous as it sounds, but it's definitely something I'm willing to try if it can help me find my place in this world.

To be continued.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

using religion to persecute.

As we were driving home from enjoying our first cold, cold day of the year at Coolidge Park, I noticed about five cop cars on the other side of the road. What caught my attention was not the fact that there were so many cops in one location- it was what was going on behind the cars. There, on the corner of Market Street and 4th, was a small group of five or six people holding up various signs and one with a video camera. At first I just thought these were the ordinary religious folk out to spread the good word, but then I began to read the signs.

The first one said, "The work of lazy preachers and church members." Are they talking about themselves..? The next one said something about repentance, which is always good I thought, but the third sign I saw was the kind I would have passed off as my imagination if I had been alone. It said boldly and unabashedly, "California is now marrying fag dogs." California is marrying fag dogs? The state of California is getting married. To multiple fag dogs. What the hell are fag dogs? According to, the definition of fag is to tire or weary by labor, exhaust, or is a slang term for a cigarette or a flaw. So in my mind, this made no sense at all, literally speaking of course. Otherwise, I know exactly what kind of message these "religious" people were trying to deliver, and the word "repent" and term "fag dog" definitely do not belong together.

Specifically, they were speaking out against gay people, that repentance is needed, but they have already condemned all homosexuals to hell according to their own judgements. What was the point? To turn everyone else away from others? I don't think God appreciates people speaking out against others in His name, to convict them of a crime through hate rather than love and concern. Who in their right mind is going to read a sign claiming all these things and think,"Huh, I definitely agree with what they're saying. I think I'm going to stop being gay." I think these public speakers were much more successful in turning people away from God today than anything else.

I'm not saying I think being homosexual is right in any way or that it should be promoted, but this is absolutely not the way to accomplish anything positive. I don't think God meant for us to go out and make people feel ridiculed because they are different; I'm pretty sure we were supposed to love each other no matter what, and this was definitely not what was happening today.

I'm not the most righteous or Godly person, I'm not even close; but here's an idea nonetheless- how about we do just one thing God asks of us and love and care for each other, and see what kinds of good things can happen? I believe we can totally and completely live above hate if all of us put in just a little more effort.

Friday, October 17, 2008

something to say.

There are a million things I want to say, words waiting to be tapped out at my fingertips, but sometimes I get overwhelmed by how many there are, and then I forget what was so important that I wanted to share it on the World Wide Web.

Something about why it's illegal to throw a napkin on the ground at a park but how countries are allowed to pour so much waste into the ocean where it decomposes into a plasticy soup, something about 14-year-old shoplifters, something about wanting a puppy, something about wanting a fabulous job, something about going to Paris, something about reading a book, something about coconut and nocciole gelato. Something about why anyone would care about anything I care about.

I have something to say, but right now that something is vague.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

a new beginning

As a child, I always wanted to be absolutely great at something.
Or everything.
I took a few months of figure skating here, went to some basketball lessons there, played on my elementary school volleyball team for a few years, tried out some cheerleading, hip-hop dance and ballet, took piano and clarinet lessons when I really wanted to play the cello, and practiced copying images out of picture books so I could maybe become an amazing artist when I grew up.
I was never able to decide exactly what I loved the most, what I wanted to be the best at.

Last night, I realized that all my life, I ended up following the same pattern. I tried a little bit of this, dabbled in some of that, and in the midst of it all, I never found my calling. Although I don't regret getting to try a bunch of stuff, I still wish I had stuck to just one thing and become really good at it so I could have been the world's best something. I just don't know what I can do with all these "talents," all of which I am no more than slighty competent in.

So here is my attempt to discover myself, and maybe even uncover my passion in life. Or maybe I'll figure out what I can do with the million little pieces that makes up me.